Be Present.

Kids,

Most of you may have noticed by now, that I don't talk much.  Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad.  I don't know.  I will say that even though I may not be speaking up much, I do notice what's going on around me.  Sometimes I think I'm "hyper-observant".  Maybe that's a gift, maybe that's a curse.  I don't know that either.  Anyways, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people are whispering while someone is up in front of a group speaking.  That happened at Helen's baptism last week.  I wanted to be listening to the speaker, but my hyper observance had me distracted listening to the hushed conversation behind me.  I became irritated.  I glanced over at the clock on the wall and wondered why the service was taking so long.  I'm ashamed to admit this but, I even let myself question if Helen was being baptized for the "right reasons".  So all because of a distracting hushed conversation I went from being totally content to be there, to questioning the motives of the person being baptized.  Unessassary.  Try to be in the moment.  Wether you are the type of person that will participate actively  of observe passively, be present in the moment always.

I would say that I spent the first three years that we lived here in Vermont being very absent from your lives and mom's.  I was physically present, but emotionally I was gone.  Like a shadow almost.  I will say that at the time I was feeling a pressure at work that I had never felt in my life.  The pressure was so intense at times I felt like  the businesses were going drive me to have a mental breakdown.  Everyday for awhile I would wake up and wonder, "is this the day that I'm going to lose my mind?"  But, I can't allow that to be an excuse.  Last night we were looking at pictures and videos from this period of time.  I have very few memories of the time these pictures were taken.  I was physically there in most cases, but yet I don't remember a thing.  I missed so many small moments in your lives.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty for putting myself in a position professionally that pulled me away from you.  I could make the argument that I was learning a lot about myself and my chosen profession, but I don't think I'm convinced that it was worth it.  Mom shouldered most of the burden of me not being emotionally present and I think it really took a lot out of her.  Again, that guilt there will always loom large in my mind.

Since I started taking on more of the "stay at home" dad role a few years back, I have felt happier.  My mind has felt clearer.  What  I do now is hard work.  I still make mistakes and I know I can do better, but I feel present in all of your lives.  It's a good place to be.  Hopefully I can stay present in the future as I take on other responsibilities.

Love,
Dad